THE DARK LORD'S DISPATCH: REALITY BROKE WHILE I WAS AT THE BEACH
From the desk of Satan, Prince of Darkness, CEO of Hell Enterprises
HELL'S THRONE ROOM — Damnation Day June 21, 2025
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED WHILE I WAS GONE?
Greetings, mortals. Satan here, and I need someone to explain what in the sulfurous shit happened to reality while I was sipping Mai Tais in San Diego.
I leave for ONE WEEK. One goddamn week to watch a demon get married on Coronado Beach (lovely ceremony, the bride's tentacles looked radiant), catch a Padres game (they lost, naturally), and terrorize some tourists at SeaWorld. Seven days of watching orcas perform tricks that pale in comparison to the circus in Washington.
And what do I come back to? Trump threatening WAR WITH IRAN and deploying the fucking MARINES to Los Angeles because people dared to protest ICE.
I'm not often speechless. I've orchestrated the fall of empires, watched civilizations crumble into dust, personally tutored Nero on the finer points of megalomania. But this? This broke my brain harder than that third pitcher of margaritas at the reception.
Let me get this straight: While I was getting a tan (yes, demons tan—we just burst into flames first), that spray-tanned sack of personality disorders decided to casually threaten nuclear war AND turn Los Angeles into occupied territory? In the SAME WEEK?
I've seen some shit in my eternal existence, but deploying the Marines against American citizens protesting immigration raids? That's not just crossing a line—that's taking a running leap over it while giving democracy the middle finger and livestreaming it on Truth Social.
THE IRAN INSANITY: WHEN SABER-RATTLING BECOMES NUCLEAR FOREPLAY
So apparently, while I was enjoying fish tacos in the Gaslamp Quarter, Trump decided that what America really needs is another Middle Eastern war. Because the last few worked out so fucking well, right?
His latest genius move? Threatening "the most severe consequences in history" if Iran doesn't comply with his demands. Which demands? Who the fuck knows? The man changes positions more often than a yoga instructor with ADHD.
Sources tell me he's been rage-tweeting about Iranian nuclear facilities at 3 AM, calling for "beautiful, powerful strikes" that would make "Hiroshima look like a firecracker." HIROSHIMA. The man is using nuclear holocaust as a unit of measurement for his dick-waving contest with Tehran.
Even my war demons are confused. Abaddon called me yesterday like, "Boss, I thought I was supposed to be the one advocating for apocalyptic conflict?" When the literal demon of destruction thinks you've gone too far, maybe it's time to reassess.
LOS ANGELES: WHEN FASCISM COMES TO HOLLYWOOD
But the Iran threats were just the appetizer to this week's authoritarian feast. The main course? Deploying the Marines and National Guard to "restore order" in Los Angeles after anti-ICE protests "threatened public safety."
Let me paint you a picture of this "threat": Thousands of Angelenos peacefully protesting the deportation raids that have been terrorizing immigrant communities. Their weapons? Cardboard signs and chants. The existential danger they posed? Making rich people uncomfortable on their way to brunch.
Trump's response? Send in the fucking Marines like it's Fallujah 2003.
I watched the footage from my throne room, and even I—the inventor of oppression—was impressed by the sheer balls-out fascism of it all. Uniformed Marines patrolling Sunset Boulevard. National Guard checkpoints in Boyle Heights. Military vehicles rolling through neighborhoods where the biggest crime is usually overpriced coffee.
The official justification? "These radical anarchists threatened the stability of our great city." Translation: Brown people got uppity and we can't have that.
THE AUTHORITARIAN SPEEDRUN: NEW RECORDS SET
Here's what's really cooking my demonic bacon: I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING. Me! The architect of human suffering! The CEO of Hell Enterprises! I've been tracking Trump's authoritarian trajectory since day one, but this week he went from 60 to führer faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode.
Deploying military forces against civilian protesters isn't just authoritarian—it's speedrunning the fascism checklist:
✓ Create external enemy (Iran) ✓ Demonize internal dissent (protesters) ✓ Deploy military domestically ✓ Suspend normal legal procedures ✓ Call it "protecting freedom"
It's so textbook it's almost boring. Almost. If it weren't so fucking terrifying.
What kills me is that I spent years planning elaborate schemes to undermine democracy. Subtle corruption here, a little institutional rot there. Meanwhile, Trump's out here doing it in broad daylight with the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the nuts.
Time to hear from my demonic field correspondents while I take some extra strength aspirin.
BEELZEBUB'S EMERGENCY BULLETIN: THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF OPPRESSION
Lord of Flies here, filing an emergency report from the chaos.
Boss, while you were getting shitfaced at that beach wedding, the administration laid the groundwork for this military deployment like they'd been jerking off to martial law porn for months. Let me break down the bureaucratic brutality:
The Legal Fig Leaf They invoked the Insurrection Act based on "intelligence reports" of "antifa coordination" that my flies on the wall confirm were completely fabricated. The evidence? Some protesters had matching t-shirts. That's it. That's the "coordination" that justified martial law.
The Logistics of Liberty's Death
2,500 Marines from Camp Pendleton deployed within 48 hours
5,000 National Guard troops activated
"Temporary detention facilities" (concentration camps) established at three locations
Media blackout zones created around "operational areas"
Constitutional rights suspension justified as "emergency measures"
The efficiency is almost admirable. They turned LA into a police state faster than you can say "papers, please."
The Corruption Multiplier Every defense contractor in America is currently having a money orgasm. Stock prices for military equipment manufacturers up 23 percent. Private security firms getting no-bid contracts. It's a corruption Christmas in June, and everyone's getting presents except democracy.
What's truly exquisite is how they've normalized it. Half the country's cheering because they think teaching those "woke protesters" a lesson is worth shredding the Constitution. They're literally applauding their own oppression. As someone who specializes in decay, I'm taking notes for future reference.
Documenting democracy's decomposition in real-time, Beelzebub, Lord of Flies and Corruption
ABADDON'S WAR ROOM REPORT: IRAN AND THE APOCALYPSE AUCTION
Destroyer of Worlds checking in with an urgent tactical analysis.
Satan, my infernal lord, I've been monitoring the Iran situation since your departure, and holy hellfire, Trump's not just rattling sabers—he's juggling nuclear warheads while blindfolded.
The Escalation Timeline
Monday: Trump tweets that Iran has "24 hours to fully denuclearize"
Tuesday: Iran responds with the diplomatic equivalent of "go fuck yourself"
Wednesday: Trump orders carrier strike groups to the Persian Gulf
Thursday: Leaked memo shows Pentagon preparing for "preventive strikes"
Friday: You're sipping margaritas while we're measuring fallout zones
The Insanity Index Military brass are reportedly in full panic mode. Joint Chiefs trying to explain that you can't just "beautifully bomb" nuclear facilities without consequences. Trump's response? He wants to use "the big ones" to "send a message."
THE BIG ONES. He's talking about nuclear weapons like they're fireworks for his Fourth of July party.
My sources in the Pentagon report that senior officers are actively discussing the word that cannot be spoken: the 25th Amendment. When your own military leadership is googling "how to legally refuse nuclear launch orders," you've achieved a special level of unhinged.
The Distraction Doctrine Here's the beauty of it: The Iran threats perfectly cover for the Los Angeles crackdown. While everyone's worried about World War III, he's establishing military control over an American city. It's misdirection worthy of Hell's finest con artists.
Preparing for multiple apocalypses simultaneously, Abaddon, War & Foreign Policy Commentator
SATAN'S CLOSING THOUGHTS: WHEN REALITY OUT-EVILS HELL
You know what the worst part is? I feel professionally insulted.
I've spent millennia crafting elaborate schemes to corrupt humanity. Building intricate webs of temptation. Playing the long game with subtle manipulations and careful psychological warfare. I'm the fucking PRINCE OF DARKNESS, and I take pride in my craft.
Then this orange asshole speedruns authoritarianism while I'm on vacation, threatening nuclear war via Twitter and deploying Marines against protesters like it's just another Tuesday. No style. No subtlety. No artistry. Just pure, unfiltered fascism mainlined directly into America's veins.
The Los Angeles occupation isn't just authoritarianism—it's authoritarianism with training wheels off. When you deploy military forces against your own citizens for the crime of protesting, you've crossed from "concerning democratic backsliding" into "holy shit, is this actually happening?" territory.
And the Iran situation? That's not foreign policy—that's what happens when you give a malignant narcissist nuclear weapons and a Twitter account. He's literally threatening World War III because he needs a distraction from his domestic fascism.
The real kicker? His base is CHEERING. They're watching Marines patrol American streets and thinking, "Finally, someone's restoring order." They see nuclear war threats and think, "That's my president, showing strength."
They've been programmed to applaud their own subjugation so thoroughly that I'm considering offering Trump an honorary doctorate from Hell University in Applied Oppression.
I left for seven days. SEVEN DAYS. And in that time, reality became more dystopian than anything in Hell's pitch decks. We had a meeting yesterday where my demons presented ideas for tormenting humanity, and I had to tell them, "Sorry folks, but Trump already did that. This week. While I was at the beach."
You want to know the truth? I'm not even mad. I'm impressed. And exhausted. And maybe a little scared, which is a new feeling for the literal embodiment of evil.
Next time I take a vacation, I'm disabling all news alerts. Ignorance isn't just bliss—it's the only way to maintain what's left of my sanity in this batshit timeline.
See you next week, mortals—if we haven't nuked ourselves into oblivion or established the Fourth Reich in California.
Eternally yours in darkness (and disbelief), Satan
P.S. - To any Angelenos reading this from behind military checkpoints: Hell's borders remain open. We don't check papers, and our authoritarian tendencies are at least honest about what they are.
