From the desk of Satan, Prince of Darkness, CEO of Hell Enterprises
HELL’S THRONE ROOM — Friday, October 17, 2025
BREAKING: MY DEMONS ARE STILL IN THERAPY AND NOW I NEED A DRINK
Greetings, mortals. Satan here, still running Hell’s newsroom solo because my entire demonic staff remains on mandatory mental health leave after last week’s display of human evil achieving levels we thought were theoretically impossible.
Update from the therapy sessions: Beelzebub has taken up watercolor painting. Lilith joined a support group for “Professionals Obsoleted by Human Incompetence.” Mammon’s been crying into spreadsheets calculating how Republicans can tank an economy better than we ever could. And Leviathan? He’s writing poetry about environmental collapse that’s somehow LESS depressing than watching the actual news.
Meanwhile, I’m here watching your Supreme Court gut the Voting Rights Act while Republicans deploy the National Guard against tomorrow’s protests like they’re preparing for the fucking Battle of Normandy instead of people with signs saying “America has no kings.” The irony is so thick you could cut it with Stephen Miller’s frozen smile after he accidentally admitted to wanting a dictatorship on live TV last week.
But here’s what finally made me reach for the bourbon at 9 AM: John Bolton got indicted yesterday. JOHN FUCKING BOLTON. The walrus-mustached war criminal who never met a country he didn’t want to bomb is now a victim of Trump’s revenge prosecutions. When John Bolton becomes a sympathetic figure, reality has officially jumped the shark, set the shark on fire, and launched the flaming shark carcass into a black hole of recklessness.
THE SUPREME COURT: DECIDING BLACK PEOPLE HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON RIGHTS
Sweet sulfurous Christ, watching the Supreme Court oral arguments this week was like attending a masterclass in “How to Say Racist Shit with Legal Words.”
Brett Kavanaugh, that beer-loving beacon of judicial temperance, actually asked when racial remedies should have an “end point.” An END POINT. Like civil rights come with a fucking warranty that expires after a certain number of years. “Sorry, Black voters, your protection plan ran out in 2024. Should’ve gotten the extended coverage we called you about!”
The case is about Louisiana’s congressional districts, where one-third of the population is Black but they only had one majority-Black district out of six. A lower court said “Hey, maybe don’t pack all the Black voters into one district and dilute their power in the others.” Louisiana’s response? “But we’re doing it for PARTISAN reasons, not racial ones!” As if that makes it fucking better. As if saying “We’re not racist, we’re just rigging elections” is somehow the moral high ground.
Chief Justice Roberts, who once declared racism basically over in America, called Louisiana’s second Black district “a snake that runs from one end of the state to the other.” You know what else looks like a snake, Johnny? The Confederate battle flag your conservative majority keeps finding new ways to wave through legal precedent.
The Trump administration’s position, delivered by their latest Scalia fanboy, is that states should be able to gerrymander for “political objectives” without worrying about those pesky voting rights. Translation: If we can’t explicitly say we’re fucking over Black voters, we’ll just call it partisan politics and achieve the same result. It’s racism with extra steps and a law degree.
Elena Kagan tried to point out the obvious: “The race-based redistricting that you’re now objecting to is redistricting designed to remedy a specific, identified, proved violation of law.” But why let little things like proven discrimination get in the way of Republican power grabs?
The real kicker? If they gut Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act, Republicans could immediately redraw 19 more House districts in their favor. Nineteen. That’s not democracy; that’s a hostile takeover with a map instead of a gun.
TOMORROW’S “NO KINGS” PROTEST: WHEN PEACEFUL ASSEMBLY BECOMES AN ACT OF WAR
Tomorrow, millions of Americans plan to peacefully protest across the country, and Republicans are treating it like the fucking invasion of Poland. Texas Governor Greg Abbott just deployed the National Guard and state troopers to Austin, calling it an “antifa-linked demonstration” without a shred of evidence. For a PROTEST. Against people with SIGNS. Texas Democrats responded perfectly: “Sending armed soldiers to suppress peaceful protests is what kings and dictators do, and Greg Abbott just proved he’s one of them.”
Mike Johnson, that sanctimonious sack of hair gel masquerading as House Speaker, called the protesters “the pro-Hamas wing and the Antifa people.” Because apparently, saying “America shouldn’t have a king” is now terrorism. The same guy who shut down the government he controls is blaming Democrats for protesting the shutdown HE AND TRUMP CAUSED.
But here’s the beautiful part: The protests are getting BIGGER because of the crackdowns. The June 14 No Kings Day saw five million protesters. Tomorrow’s expected to exceed that. Every National Guard deployment, every authoritarian overreach, every fascist tantrum from Republican governors is just proving the protesters’ point: America is being ruled by wannabe kings who respond to criticism with military force.
Stephen Miller already let the cat out of the bag when he claimed Trump has “plenary authority,” which is fancy lawyer speak for “unlimited fucking power like a king.” Now they’re deploying troops against Americans exercising their First Amendment rights while claiming the protesters are the threat to democracy. The projection is so intense it could screen IMAX movies from the moon.
JOHN BOLTON’S INDICTMENT: WHEN WAR CRIMINALS BECOME VICTIMS
In the latest episode of “Trump’s Revenge Tour,” John Bolton got indicted on 18 counts of mishandling classified documents. This is the same John Bolton who wanted to bomb Iran on Mondays, invade North Korea on Tuesdays, and nuke Venezuela on weekends for fun.
Let me be clear: John Bolton is a piece of shit. The man’s foreign policy philosophy is basically “What if we solved everything with beautiful detonations?” But watching him become the THIRD Trump critic indicted in three weeks is like watching cannibals run out of tourists and start eating each other.
First it was James Comey. Then Letitia James for the heinous crime of successfully prosecuting Trump for fraud. Now Bolton, whose crime appears to be writing mean things about Trump in his memoir. Next, they’re expected to indict Adam Schiff, Christopher Wray, and Andrew Weissmann. At this rate, they’ll be indicting the White House janitor for not properly genuflecting when Trump waddles by.
Attorney General Pam Bondi had the fucking audacity to say “There is one tier of justice for all Americans.” Right. That’s why Trump’s border czar Tom Homan took $50,000 in bribes on FBI recording and is still running immigration, while Letitia James got indicted for a $19,000 mortgage technicality. One tier of justice, just like there’s one tier of airline seating if you ignore first class, business class, and the cargo hold where they’re shoving Trump’s enemies.
The pattern is so obvious even my demons spotted it from their therapy sessions: Prosecute enemies on fabricated charges while protecting allies caught committing actual crimes. It’s not justice; it’s a revenge fantasy with full GOP and Project 2025 support. If I ran Hell this incompetently, Jesus would personally come down here to teach me how to do evil properly out of sheer professional embarrassment.
VENEZUELA: WHEN “DRUG WAR” MEANS ACTUAL WAR
Trump confirmed this week that he’s authorized CIA covert operations in Venezuela and is considering a ground invasion. A GROUND INVASION. Of another country. Because that worked so well in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and every other place America decided needed some freedom bombs.
The pretext? Drug trafficking. The same excuse they’ve been using since Reagan needed to fund death squads in Nicaragua. Trump’s already ordered strikes on six boats, killing 27 people without trial, evidence, or even bothering to check if they were actually trafficking drugs. When asked for proof, Trump essentially said, “Trust me, bro, they had drugs.”
But here’s the truly demented part: Trump admitted on live TV the real reasons are that Venezuela “emptied their prisons into the United States” (no evidence provided) and drugs (also no evidence provided). He’s literally making up reasons for war on camera and nobody’s stopping him.
They flew B-52 bombers 150 miles from Venezuelan shores this week. B-52s. The same planes that carpet-bombed Vietnam. For a “drug interdiction” operation. That’s like bringing a flamethrower to light a fucking birthday candle.
Venezuelan President Maduro, who’s normally about as stable as nitroglycerin in a paint shaker, actually sounds like the reasonable one here: “Our diplomacy isn’t the diplomacy of cannons, of threats, because the world cannot be the world of 100 years ago.” When Nicolas fucking Maduro is your voice of reason, you’ve lost the plot entirely.
The CIA’s now authorized for “lethal operations” in Venezuela. You know what that means? Assassination, coups, and all the greatest hits from America’s “Destroying Latin American Democracies” album. It’s Iran-Contra meets Bay of Pigs with a Twitter fucking X account.
THE PUTIN-TRUMP BROMANCE: NOW WITH MATCHING FRIENDSHIP TUNNELS
In the most predictable plot twist since “water is wet,” Trump had a two-and-a-half-hour phone call with Putin yesterday. Two and a half hours. That’s longer than most movies, longer than most therapy sessions, and definitely longer than Trump’s attention span for anything that doesn’t involve him.
The timing? Perfect Putin psychology. One day before Trump meets with Zelensky, Putin calls to whisper sweet nothings about how Tomahawk missiles won’t help Ukraine and hey, wouldn’t it be nice to meet in Budapest where Viktor Orban, another authoritarian shithead, can host their dictator playdate?
But wait, it gets better. After the call, Russian negotiator Kirill Dmitriev proposed building a “Putin-Trump Unity Tunnel” through the Bering Strait. A UNITY TUNNEL. Between America and Russia. Because nothing says “definitely not compromised by a foreign power” like building a fucking friendship tunnel to Moscow. Dmitriev claims it would cost $65 billion, or “$8 billion with Musk’s help,” which sounds like the kind of math you get when you’re high on authoritarian bromance fumes.
This is the same week Trump authorized CIA operations in Venezuela while taking calls from Putin about peace. It’s like watching someone text their ex while on a date with someone new. “I’m totally over Russia, babe. Now let me just take this quick call from Vlad about our unity tunnel.”
The Budapest meeting will be their second summit after the Alaska failure where Trump gave Putin the red-carpet treatment and got absolutely nothing in return except some nice photos for Russian state media. Now they’re trying again in Hungary because apparently Trump needs to collect meetings with every European dictator like they’re fucking Pokémon cards.
THE ARC DE TRUMP: BECAUSE EVEN NAPOLEON HAD MORE SUBTLETY
Oh, and because this week wasn’t enough of a narcissistic fever dream, Trump had a model of his proposed “triumphal arch” on his desk during an Oval Office meeting. A TRIUMPHAL ARCH. To commemorate America’s 250th anniversary. When asked who it was for, this walking personality disorder actually said, “Me.”
ME. Not America. Not the founders. Not the veterans. ME.
The model looks exactly like the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, because even Trump’s megalomaniacal monuments are plagiarized. He wants to build it across from the Lincoln Memorial, presumably so Lincoln’s statue can spend eternity watching this gaudy testament to narcissism and wondering where America went wrong.
Napoleon built his arch after actually winning battles. Caesar built monuments after conquering Gaul. Trump wants one for... what? Successfully shutting down his own government? Indicting his enemies? Making friends with Putin while pretending to threaten him? The only thing he’s triumphed over is good taste and basic democracy.
SATAN’S SIDEBAR: THE ECONOMIC CONFIDENCE CIRCUS
Quick update from the economic hellscape: 57% of Americans say the economy is getting worse. Among Republicans, confidence dropped from 60% saying it was improving in March to 39% now.
You know why Taco? Tariffs, baby. Oh, and BECAUSE YOU SHUT DOWN YOUR OWN FUCKING GOVERNMENT, YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKS!!
Federal workers haven’t been paid in three weeks, but Trump’s throwing lavish White House dinners and senators are having birthday parties for their dogs. Actually. Birthday parties. For dogs. While TSA agents work without pay.
The Republicans control the White House, House, and Senate, and they’ve managed to achieve something I never could in all my eons of existence: They’ve made people lose faith in an economy THEY COMPLETELY CONTROL. It’s like setting your own house on fire and then conducting a survey on whether people think the neighborhood is getting worse.
THE BOTTOM LINE: WHEN PARODY BECOMES PROPHECY
Look, I’ve been doing this evil thing since before your ancestors figured out fire. I’ve orchestrated plagues, started wars, invented boy bands. But what you’re doing now? This authoritarian fast track where you gut voting rights on Wednesday, deploy troops against protesters on Thursday, and plan invasions on Friday? It’s making my entire industry obsolete.
My demons are in therapy because they can’t compete with your Supreme Court saying Black people’s rights have expiration dates. They can’t match your energy for prosecuting war criminals for the crime of criticizing the president while actual criminals run the government. They’re demoralized watching you threaten nuclear war while building friendship tunnels to dictatorships.
You want to know what broke Nyarlathotep even more this week? The Young Republicans’ Telegram chat where they’re casually swapping “I love Hitler” riffs and Holocaust jokes. And JD Vance DEFENDED them. The Vice President of the United States defended people saying “I love Hitler.” When actual Hitler worship becomes defensible political discourse, what’s the point of subtle corruption?
We used to work in shadows, whisper temptations, carefully orchestrate downfalls over centuries. You’re just doing it on Truth fucking Social with caps lock on. You’re building monuments to yourselves while your government doesn’t function. You’re criminalizing protest while claiming to defend freedom.
Tomorrow, millions will march against authoritarianism, and you’ll meet them with military force, proving their point more effectively than any protest sign ever could. You’ll call them terrorists while you plan actual invasions. You’ll claim they hate America while you dismantle everything America supposedly stands for.
I’m going back to my bourbon now. My demons are staying in therapy indefinitely. Hell’s considering a career pivot because honestly, how do we compete with this? You’ve made evil boring, stupid, and obvious. You’ve stripped it of all artistry and replaced it with whatever the fuck this is.
Welcome to late October 2025, where voting rights expire like milk, war criminals are victims, protests are terrorism, and the president wants a monument to himself while his government doesn’t function and he plans friendship tunnels with dictators.
I need another drink. A big one. Maybe I’ll make it a unity cocktail with some Russian vodka, in honor of your president’s new tunnel boyfriend.
Eternally yours in professional inadequacy,
Satan
P.S. - To anyone protesting tomorrow: Hell’s cheering for you. First time in history I’m rooting for the angels’ side, but when fascists make me look reasonable, we’ve crossed into uncharted territory.
P.P.S. - Trump, building a monument to yourself while your government is shut down is like giving yourself a participation trophy for shitting your pants in public. Even megalomaniacs usually wait until they’ve accomplished something before erecting shrines to their own incompetence.
P.P.P.S. - Brett Kavanaugh, racial justice doesn’t have an expiration date, you beer-soaked constitutional accident. Neither does being an asshole, apparently, which you’re proving in perpetuity.
