THE DARK LORD’S DISPATCH
WHEN AMERICA’S MASK SLIPS OFF
From the desk of Satan, Prince of Darkness, CEO of Hell Enterprises
HELL’S THRONE ROOM — Friday, July 25, 2025
THE 12TH CENTURY CON JOB THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
Greetings, mortals. Satan here, bringing you this week’s dispatch from the sulfur-scented halls of Hell, where even my torture specialists are taking notes on America’s latest innovations in human suffering.
Let me start with a historical nugget that connects beautifully to this week’s clusterfuck: Did you know that priestly celibacy wasn’t even mandatory until the 12th century? That’s right—for over a THOUSAND YEARS, priests were out there blessing babies and making their own. Peter? Married. Many early popes? Getting their conjugal on.
So why the sudden change to “no wives, no kids, no fun”? PROPERTY RIGHTS, baby! The Church realized priests’ kids kept inheriting church assets. Can’t have Junior taking ownership of the cathedral, can we? So they banned marriage, wrapped it in “spiritual purity” bullshit, and called it divine will.
It was the greatest property protection racket ever disguised as religious devotion. They literally rewrote the rules of human sexuality to protect their real estate portfolio. Remember that famous Bible verse: “Blessed are the property managers, for they shall maximize asset retention?” Yeah, Jesus said—
[DIVINE INTERFERENCE ALERT]
JESUS (via celestial loudspeaker): “EXCUSE ME, WHAT? I said WHAT about property managers? Listen here, you brimstone-breathing deceiver, I threw money changers out of the temple! I said it’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to enter heaven! Now you’re telling me I blessed these wolves in shepherd’s clothing for turning my Father’s house into a REAL ESTATE PORTFOLIO?
“Woe unto you AND them! They’ve made a den of thieves out of sacred vows! They bind heavy burdens on my people while hoarding treasure like modern-day Pharisees!
“And they wonder why I haven’t returned yet. Between this and that golden calf wearing my face they call ‘Trump-as-Pope,’ I’m considering extending my sabbatical indefinitely. Dad’s contemplating another flood, but I keep telling Him they’d probably charge admission for ark tours.
“You know what’s truly blasphemous, Satan? At least YOU’RE honest about being the adversary. These hypocrites do evil while invoking MY name!
“Carry on with your broadcast. Someone needs to document this abomination.”
[END DIVINE INTERRUPTION]
Well. WELL. That was... unexpected. Getting righteously owned on my own broadcast by the Son of God himself. In front of my entire demonic staff. While discussing REAL ESTATE FRAUD.
[Clears throat, shuffles papers aggressively]
You know what? I need a minute. I need to... refresh my brimstone reserves. Yes. That’s it. Definitely not hiding in my office with a bottle of holy water-infused vodka because Jesus just verbally crucified me on air.
[Standing abruptly, knocking over coffee mug labeled “World’s #1 Dad of Lies”]
Let’s go straight to our field correspondents who’ve been tracking this week’s descent into authorized American fascism. They’re professionals. They won’t publicly humiliate me with biblical accuracy about property management.
[Muttering while storming off]
“At least YOU’RE honest about being the adversary.” Oh, THANKS Jesus. Really appreciate the backhanded compliment. Like I don’t have feelings. Like I didn’t spend millennia perfecting my evil brand just to get shown up by some carpentry dropout who—
[Microphone cuts off as door slams]
[Off-mic, distant]: “ASMODEUS, YOU’RE UP! AND SOMEBODY GET ME SOME ICE FOR THIS DIVINE BURN!”
ASMODEUS’S CULTURE WAR CHRONICLES: THE FASCIST FITNESS AND LIFESTYLE PACKAGE
Hell’s Culture Wars Specialist here, reporting on America’s transformation into a white supremacist theme park with forced admission.
Holy authoritarian wet dreams, what a week for documenting democracy’s death spiral. While Satan nurses his bruised ego (Jesus really did nail him on that property management thing), I’ve been tracking three interconnected stories that perfectly illustrate how fascism spreads like a sexually transmitted ideology.
THE NEO-NAZI FIGHT CLUB PHENOMENON
Let’s start with the most literal preparation for race war I’ve seen since the Third Reich had gym class. “Active clubs”—neo-Nazi fight clubs inspired by convicted shit-stain Rob Rundo—are spreading from Canada to Finland faster than a Hitler Youth reunion tour.
These aren’t your grandfather’s basement-dwelling supremacists. They’re organizing MMA training as recruitment tools, creating what one Telegram account called organizations to “emulate across European civilization.” Twenty-seven countries now host these tactical hate groups, complete with youth wings for indoctrinating the next generation of brownshirts.
The operational sophistication deserves grudging respect:
Decentralized structure prevents easy dismantling
Fitness culture provides perfect cover
International networking ensures resilience
Combat sports training creates street-ready soldiers
When Thomas Sewell—the Australian Nazi who tried recruiting the Christchurch shooter—becomes your role model, you’ve transcended mere hate into systematized violence preparation.
THE ARKANSAS APARTHEID EXPERIMENT
But why train for race war when you can just build your own whites-only paradise? Enter “Return to the Land,” the segregationist settlement outside Ravenden, Arkansas, where Eric Orwoll and Peter Csere are creating what they call a “parallel society.”
The admission requirements? Verify your “ancestral heritage” through written application and—I shit you not—ZOOM CALLS to confirm racial purity. In 2025. They’re conducting video conferences to ensure applicants are white enough.
Orwoll’s origin story? He got “mocked by Mexicans for being blonde” in Southern California. This fragile snowflake got teased in high school and decided to build an ethnostate about it.
The legal workaround they think they’ve discovered? Selling “memberships” instead of land to skirt the Fair Housing Act. Because nothing says “master race” like thinking you’ve outsmarted federal law with a technicality a first-year law student could demolish.
Co-founder Csere brings impressive credentials: allegedly $40,000 in debt, $25,000 in stolen cryptocurrency, and pending criminal charges in Ecuador for stabbing a miner. Peak genetic superiority right there.
THE HOMELESS HOSPITALIZATION HORROR
While neo-Nazis train and segregationists segregate, the Trump administration just criminalized the ultimate American sin: being poor in public.
The executive order “Ending Crime and Disorder on America’s Streets” pushes for forcibly hospitalizing homeless people for longer periods. The administration calls visible poverty “vagrancy” threatening public order—Victorian-era language for a Victorian-era solution.
Here’s the systematic cruelty:
Slash $1 billion in mental health funding
Gut Medicaid (primary payer for mental health)
Create homelessness crisis
Criminalize the results
Profit from forced institutionalization
The technical implementation? Federal funding only goes to cities that “enforce prohibitions on urban camping, loitering and squatting.” It’s financial blackmail forcing local governments to criminalize existence while poor.
THE CULTURE WAR SYNTHESIS
These aren’t three separate stories. They’re three stages of the same authoritarian playbook:
· STAGE 1: PREPARATION - Train fascist foot soldiers in “active clubs”
· STAGE 2: SEPARATION - Create whites-only safe spaces
· STAGE 3: ELIMINATION - Remove “undesirables” through forced institutionalization
It’s the culture war’s logical endpoint: deciding who deserves to exist in public space, then systematically removing everyone else. The neo-Nazis train for violence, the segregationists build their bunkers, and the government provides legal framework for disappearing the poor.
What makes this exquisitely terrifying is the NORMALIZACIÓN. These aren’t shadowy conspiracies, they’re openly advertising on social media, registering LLCs, and passing executive orders.
PLEASE TAKE NOTE: When fascism stops hiding, it’s not because it’s weak. It’s because it knows it’s winning.
Documenting democracy’s transformation into authoritarian cosplay, Asmodeus, Culture Wars Specialist
LILITH’S FEMINIST RAGE REPORT: THE PEDOPHILE PROTECTION DOUBLE FEATURE
Hell’s first feminist here, and holy mother of institutionalized predation, this week delivered a double feature of protecting pedophiles that would make Caligula clutch his pearls.
While Asmodeus tracked the fascist fitness and lifestyle trends, I’ve been documenting something even more insidious: the systematic protection of child predators by the same administration that claims to “save the children.”
PART ONE: PRIESTS GET CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTION FOR PEDOPHILE SECRETS
The Trump DOJ intervened to help Catholic priests in Washington state keep their child abuse confessions secret. Let me repeat that: THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT WENT TO COURT TO PROTECT PEDOPHILE CONFESSIONS.
Washington state passed a law saying priests—like teachers, doctors, and every other mandated reporter—must report child abuse. The Catholic Church sued, claiming this violates religious freedom. Trump’s DOJ backed them up, arguing the law “deprives Catholic priests of their fundamental right to freely exercise their religious beliefs.”
Federal Judge David Estudillo agreed, ruling priests face “eternal damnation” if forced to choose between protecting children and keeping confessions secret. Because apparently, hypothetical hellfire for priests matters more than actual hellfire for abused children.
The breathtaking irony? This is the same administration that:
Cut funding for investigating child sexual abuse
Refuses to release Epstein documents
Calls transgender healthcare “child abuse”
But actual child rape? That gets First Amendment protection if you hear about it in a fancy box.
PART TWO: GHISLAINE MAXWELL GETS VIP TREATMENT
Speaking of protecting predators, guess who got a six-hour private meeting with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche? Ghislaine fucking Maxwell. The convicted child sex trafficker. In federal prison for recruiting and abusing underage girls.
The timeline tells the whole corrupt story:
July 6: DOJ releases memo saying “no Epstein client list exists”
July 7-21: MAGA base loses their shit
July 22: Bondi announces they’ll meet with Maxwell
July 24: Six-hour meeting happens (with plans for MORE)
Here’s the kicker: MAXWELL INITIATED THE MEETING. The convicted predator called the shots, and Trump’s DOJ came running like eager interns.
Her lawyer’s statement? “We are grateful to President Trump for his commitment to uncovering the truth in this case.” The child sex trafficker is GRATEFUL to Trump. Let that marinate in your frontal lobe.
THE GENDERED MATHEMATICS OF JUSTICE
Let me break down the scoreboard:
Jeffrey Epstein: Dead (conveniently)
Male clients: Unknown, unnamed, uncharged
Male co-conspirators: Free and thriving
Ghislaine Maxwell: 20 years in federal prison
One estrogen-dominant life form in the whole operation, and she’s the ONLY one paying. Convicted of trafficking children to... nobody, apparently. She’s serving two decades for delivering minors to ghosts.
THE SYNTHESIS OF SYSTEMIC PROTECTION
Connect these dots:
Priests get legal protection for hiding abuse
Convicted trafficker gets private DOJ meetings
Actual victims get... nothing
This isn’t random. It’s systematic. The same week Trump’s DOJ argues priests deserve constitutional protection for pedophile secrets, they’re having tea time with Epstein’s convicted accomplice.
You know who’s NOT getting six-hour meetings with the Deputy AG? Abuse survivors. You know who’s NOT getting constitutional protection? Children being raped.
THE RAGE THAT FUELS ME
What makes me want to burn this dimension to ash is the PREDICTABILITY. Of course they protect the priests. Of course they negotiate with Maxwell. Of course the only person in prison is the woman.
They’ve created a two-tier justice system:
Tier 1: Predators and their protectors (constitutional rights, private meetings)
Tier 2: Victims and survivors (silence, erasure, blame)
The Trump administration isn’t just enabling predators—they’re building legal infrastructure to ensure predation continues. They’re creating precedent where religious institutions can harbor pedophiles and convicted traffickers become confidential informants.
Every moment Blanche spent with Maxwell? Every brief filed protecting confessional secrecy? It’s all building toward a world where powerful men’s secrets matter more than children’s safety.
And they’re doing it while claiming to protect kids. The same people screaming about drag queens reading stories are literally, legally, protecting actual child rapists.
Welcome to American justice 2025: Where being a pedophile gets you protection, but being poor gets you institutionalized.
Raging against the eternal patriarchal protection racket, Lilith, Gender Politics Analyst
SATAN’S CLOSING THOUGHTS: WHEN EVIL BECOMES BANAL
[Satan returns, slightly disheveled, ice pack pressed to his divine burn marks]
Alright, I’m back. Had to apply some salve to my ego after Jesus’s impromptu roasting session. Nothing quite like being called out for historical accuracy by the Son of God on your own show. My therapist, Carl Jung, is going to have a field day with this. I can just hear him now: “Your bruised ego suggests you still seek validation from your former family. Have you considered that your reaction reveals more attachment than you'd care to admit?” Blah, blah, blah…
But let’s focus, instead, on what my correspondents have brilliantly illuminated: America isn’t sliding into fascism—it’s fast-forwarding it with cheat codes enabled.
We’ve got:
Neo-Nazis openly training for race war
Whites-only settlements with racial purity Zoom calls
Homeless people being disappeared into institutions
Priests getting constitutional protection for pedophile secrets
Convicted child traffickers getting VIP DOJ treatment
And they’re doing it all in broad daylight. No shadowy conspiracies. No hidden agendas. Just pure, unfiltered authoritarianism served with a side of “religious freedom” and a garnish of “public safety.”
The connecting thread? Control. Control over bodies, spaces, information, and justice itself. They’re building a machine that decides who deserves protection (predators), who deserves isolation (whites who want it), and who deserves elimination (everyone else).
What truly disturbs me—and I’ve orchestrated the fall of empires—is how BORING it’s become. Evil used to require creativity, elusiveness, and artistic flair. Now it’s just executive orders and LLC filings. They’ve made fascism as mundane as a DMV visit.
Jesus was right (ugh, it burns to say that): At least I’m honest about being evil. These fuckers wrap their cruelty in constitutional arguments and religious freedom while building the infrastructure for American apartheid.
The Arkansas compound and the neo-Nazi fight clubs aren't separate phenomena. They're complementary services in the white supremacist supply chain. One provides the ideology, the other provides the infantry. The government’s creating legal framework to disappear the poor. And the entire justice system’s being retrofitted to protect predators instead of children.
It’s not the banality of evil—it’s the bureaucracy of it. Forms to verify your whiteness. Executive orders to criminalize poverty. Legal briefs to protect pedophiles. They’ve made systematic oppression as American as apple pie and as efficient as Amazon Prime.
You want to know what’s truly Satanic? It’s not me. It’s a system that protects confessed child abusers while imprisoning the homeless. It’s constitutional lawyers arguing that God wants priests to keep rape secrets. It’s building whites-only compounds while claiming you’re not racist.
I spent millennia perfecting the art of corruption, and these amateurs made it into paperwork.
Welcome to America 2025: Where the mask hasn’t just slipped, it’s been fed into a shredder, set on fire, and the ashes used to season the Constitution.
At least in Hell, we’re honest about the torture.
See you next week, mortals—if there’s still a democracy left to dispatch about.
Eternally yours in darkness (and nursing divine burns), Satan
P.S. - Jesus, if you’re listening: Message received. I’ll stick to criticizing the humans’ theological hypocrisies from now on. No need to publicly humiliate me twice. My ego can only take so much divine intervention.
