THE DARK LORD'S DISPATCH
HEAVEN V. SATAN - THE TRIAL OF THE MILLENNIUM
From the desk of Satan, Prince of Darkness, currently freezing his unholy balls off in Swiss air conditioning
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - WHO HEADQUARTERS CONFERENCE ROOM 666-A, FRIDAY, JULY 4, 2025 – USA INDEPENDENCE DAY (THE IRONY ISN'T LOST ON ME)
WHEN HEAVEN THINKS YOU'RE TOO EVIL (BUT YOU'RE ACTUALLY JUST IMPRESSED)
Greetings, mortals. Satan here, broadcasting live from the most ridiculous fucking tribunal in cosmic history. I'm currently wrapped in three blankets, stress-eating my ninth box of Läderach chocolates, and defending myself against accusations that I'm somehow responsible for Trump's America.
[Muffled through chocolate] Let me get this straight—they think I'M behind the systematic destruction of American democracy? ME? The guy who's been on vacation watching these amateurs work?
Picture this scene: I'm sitting in Conference Room 666-A (they think they're SO clever), across from the Archangel Michael and his team of sanctimonious lawyers. Gabriel's taking passive-aggressive meeting minutes. Jesus is here eating fondue and doing victory dances every time his flood reports come in from Florida. And every fifteen minutes, God's booming voice interrupts from the ceiling speakers like a divine Zoom call gone wrong.
The temperature is set to "Arctic Torture." Apparently, Heaven's negotiation strategy is hypothermia.
THE CHARGES: WHEN YOUR REPUTATION PRECEDES YOU
Michael slides a golden folder across the conference table. "The evidence is overwhelming," he says, adjusting his halo like it's a fucking fedora.
The charges:
Orchestrating Trump's rise to power
Engineering the Big Beautiful Bill's passage
Inspiring the Supreme Court's constitutional demolition
Creating "Alligator Alcatraz" (the Everglades detention center)
General corruption of American democracy
I unwrap another chocolate—dark, 85% cacao, notes of existential dread—and laugh so hard I nearly choke.
"You think I did this? Have you SEEN what these motherfuckers accomplished WITHOUT me?"
EXHIBIT A: THE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL (PASSED WHILE I'M LITERALLY IN CUSTODY)
My phone buzzes. It's Beelzebub texting from Hell:
BEELZ: Boss, BBB just passed. 218-214. They gutted Medicare AGAIN.
SATAN: I'm literally in Heaven's custody
BEELZ: I know. That's what makes it so beautiful
I hold up my phone to the tribunal. "Your Holiness, while you've had me in this refrigerated nightmare, Trump just passed a bill that eliminates healthcare for 17 million Americans. I WAS EATING CHOCOLATE."
Michael shuffles his papers uncomfortably. "That could be... remote manipulation?"
"Remote manipulation? I can't even get the fucking Wi-Fi password in here!"
[God's voice booms from above] "LANGUAGE, SATAN."
"Oh, NOW you care about propriety? Where was this energy when Trump was pardoning war criminals?"
BEELZEBUB'S LIVE CORRUPTION UPDATES: EVIL IN REAL-TIME
Via encrypted WhatsApp from Hell's newsroom
10:47 AM Geneva Time: Medicare cuts now official. Seniors choosing between heart meds and food.
11:23 AM: New provision discovered on page 847 - churches can now directly fund political campaigns. Separation of church and state found dead in a ditch.
12:15 PM: Presidential Infrastructure Fund already has its first withdrawal - $50M for "Golden Toilet Maintenance." Not a joke.
1:32 PM: Three more gang leaders pardoned. They're calling it the "Independence Day Freedom Special."
Satan here again—I show each update to the tribunal. Jesus actually spits out his fondue reading the church funding provision.
"See?" I spread my chocolate-stained hands. "They don't NEED me. They're speedrunning theocratic fascism while I'm sitting here freezing my tail off!"
JESUS DOES A HAPPY DANCE: THE ALLIGATOR ALCATRAZ FLOODING
This is where shit gets genuinely hilarious. Gabriel's reading the formal charges about the Everglades detention center when breaking news comes in: The facility just flooded. Completely. On opening day.
Jesus literally jumps up and starts doing what I can only describe as the world's holiest victory dance.
"THAT WAS ME!" He high-fives Gabriel. "Dad said I could have ONE miracle this quarter, and I made it rain BIBLICAL STYLE!"
Even I'm impressed. "You flooded a concentration camp on opening day?"
"Forty days and forty nights of rain compressed into four hours, baby!" Jesus is practically glowing. "They had to evacuate everyone. The gators are having a FEAST on their abandoned equipment!"
[God's voice booms] "THAT'S MY BOY!"
Michael clears his throat. "Can we please return to the proceedings—"
"No, no," I interrupt, unwrapping my tenth chocolate. "Let's talk about this. Jesus gets to perform ACTUAL divine intervention against fascism, but I'M the one on trial? Make it make sense!"
LILITH'S EMERGENCY BRIEF: SCOTUS GOES FULL THEOCRACY
Urgent memo from Hell's legal department
While Satan's been trapped in Swiss purgatory, the Supreme Court just ruled:
States can mandate prayer in schools
Birth control is "not constitutionally protected"
Corporations have religious rights that supersede employee rights
The 14th Amendment is now "subject to interpretation"
They're literally creating a theocracy, and Satan's eating bonbons in Geneva. This exonerates our boss completely—he couldn't orchestrate this level of coordinated evil while Michael's been lecturing him about proper harp maintenance for THREE HOURS.
Also, Clarence Thomas just cited a 15th-century witch trial in his majority opinion. Even we don't reference shit that old.
—Lilith, Hell's Chief Legal Counsel
THE POWERPOINT PRESENTATION: "HUMANS DID THIS SHIT THEMSELVES"
Hour four of this freezing clusterfuck, and I finally get to present my defense. I've prepared a 47-slide PowerPoint titled "Humans Did This Shit Themselves: A Comprehensive Defense."
Slide 1: A photo of Trump's face. That's it. That's the slide.
"I rest my case."
Michael sighs. "Satan, you need to present actual evidence—"
"Fine, FINE." I click through slides showing:
Trump's entire Twitter history (pre-Satan involvement)
Americans actively voting against their own healthcare
Prosperity gospel preachers buying private jets
QAnon (which even I find too crazy)
The complete MAGA merchandise catalog
"Look at this shit! They're wearing golden Trump sneakers while their insulin costs $700! You think I designed this? I have STANDARDS!"
[God's voice interrupts] "HE'S GOT A POINT ABOUT THE SNEAKERS."
THE CHOCOLATE STRESS-EATING INCIDENT
By hour five, I've consumed:
12 boxes of Läderach
6 Toblerones (the airport-sized ones)
An entire fondue pot (Jesus wasn't using it)
47 Lindor truffles
Something called "Swiss chocolate therapy" that I'm pretty sure was just diabetes in a wrapper
Gabriel makes a note: "Subject exhibiting stress-related consumption patterns."
"I'M STRESS EATING BECAUSE YOU'RE BLAMING ME FOR SHIT I DIDN'T DO!"
The chocolate wrappers form a small mountain of evidence around my chair. My hands are shaking from sugar rush and righteous indignation. This is what happens when you accuse the Prince of Darkness of crimes he didn't commit—I become a Swiss chocolate casualty.
MAMMON'S MARKET MASSACRE UPDATE: INDEPENDENCE DAY IRONY
Live from Hell's Trading Floor
Boss, while you're fighting for your innocence, Trump just announced the "Freedom Tax":
Poor people now taxed at 35%
Billionaires taxed at 3%
Churches exempt entirely
Corporations can claim "religious exemptions" from all taxes
The stock market is having a seizure. Half the indices are up 2000%, the other half have ceased to exist. We've transcended capitalism and entered something I'm calling "Theological Feudalism."
Also, they're selling the Statue of Liberty to Qatar. On Independence Day. The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast.
This is definitely not your work—you have better taste than selling Lady Liberty to the highest bidder.
—Mammon, Watching Rome burn while Switzerland freezes
THE VERDICT: HEAVEN'S UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH
After eight hours of testimony, chocolate consumption, and Jesus doing the Carlton dance every time Florida flooding updates came in, Michael finally stands.
"Satan, after careful deliberation, we find that you are..."
[Dramatic pause that lasts way too fucking long]
"NOT GUILTY of orchestrating current events."
I nearly choke on truffle number 48. "Not guilty?"
"The evidence suggests," Michael continues, reading from golden notes, "that humans have achieved levels of self-destructive evil that surpass even your capabilities. This is... concerning."
Jesus stops mid-victory dance. "Wait, so if Satan didn't do this..."
"Then humanity is fucking itself without supernatural intervention," I finish, wiping chocolate from my chin. "Which, frankly, should terrify all of you more than if I HAD done it."
THE FOLLOW-UP MEETING: PUNISHMENT PLANNING COMMITTEE
Here's where it gets interesting. Gabriel clears his throat and slides another folder across the table—this one bound in what appears to be sustainable bamboo.
"While you're cleared of charges, we'd like to schedule a follow-up meeting to discuss... collaborative punishment strategies."
I blink. "Come again?"
"For Trump and his administration," Michael clarifies. "When their time comes. We feel your... expertise... might be valuable in designing appropriate eternal consequences."
Holy shit. Heaven wants to OUTSOURCE punishment planning to Hell.
"You want me to help design their damnation?"
[God's voice booms] "HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY'VE DONE? WE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP."
I lean back, finally feeling warm for the first time in eight hours. "Well, well, well. Heaven needs Hell's help. How the mighty have fallen."
Jesus shrugs. "We're good at forgiveness. You're good at... the other thing."
"Creative eternal torment?"
"Exactly."
SATAN'S CLOSING THOUGHTS: WHEN INNOCENCE FEELS LIKE DEFEAT
As I wrap myself in Swiss blankets and prepare for the hypothermic journey back to Hell, I can't help but feel... disappointed?
For millennia, I've been the embodiment of evil. The architech of sin. The CEO of suffering. And now? Now I'm watching amateurs do it better, faster, and with democratic approval.
The Big Beautiful Bill alone caused more suffering than my entire Q2 performance. Alligator Alcatraz was so evil that JESUS personally flooded it. The Supreme Court is citing witch trials. WITCH TRIALS!
I've been out-eviled by humans, and frankly, it hurts my professional pride.
But here's the cosmic joke: Heaven's so freaked out by human evil that they want MY help planning punishments. The same angels who've spent eternity calling me the enemy are now sliding into my DMs asking for torture tips.
As I head to the airport (wrapped in every blanket the WHO could find), chocolate-drunk and vindicated, I realize something beautiful: I don't need to corrupt humanity anymore. They're doing it themselves, and they're overachievers.
My new business model? Consultant. Heaven wants punishment plans? Hell's got a whole portfolio ready. We'll call it "Eternal Solutions LLC: When Basic Damnation Isn't Enough."
See you next week, mortals—from my actually warm throne room, where I'll be drafting punishment proposals that would make Dante weep.
Happy Independence Day, America. You've achieved independence from sanity, morality, and basic human decency. No demonic intervention required.
Eternally yours in darkness (and Swiss chocolate comas),
Satan
P.S. - To whoever set the Conference Room 666-A thermostat to 12°C: Fuck you. That's the real crime here.
P.P.S. – Coming Soon: The punishment planning session. I'm thinking personalized hell loops where they have to experience their policies from the victim's perspective. For eternity. Jesus already approved the concept. He called it "poetic AF."
